Somebody’s watchin’ meeee! -or- Did I really just say that?

While I realize the internet is a public forum, it still skeeves me out a bit to know that someone in my town googled “the fresh cracker wordpress” and landed here.

I have to wonder: did someone from my office somehow find out the blog title and domain and come here to see if they could catch me saying anything bad about work? Too bad, I never mention the company or what we do. Or name names.  I’ve been spied on by coworkers before, had things I’ve said severely twisted to the point of them being given a whole new meaning. Suck it.

Could it be a friend of mine who just forgot to mention that they came here to get an eyeful of ridiculousness? Maybe.

I have one other suspect, but let’s not talk about that.

IN OTHER NEWS: today I was eating lunch with my friend Amanda and talking about baby names [our coworker's wife is pregnant] and totally slipped and said, “I like the name Zelda for a girl….” Then proceeded to freak out because what I MEANT to say was “Stella”.

SHE IS STILL EVERYWHERE!!!!!

Things that gross me out: office edition

So by now you know that there are lots of things that I despise and some that even sicken me.  This compendium, of course, includes worms on the sidewalk *shudder* and since my office building is surrounded by sidewalks, my short trek into work often grosses me out.

But let’s take it a step further and go INTO the building.

I know, I know, you’re thinking “Come on, you work in an OFFICE.  How gross can things actually get?”

1. Fluids on file folders.  (alliteration FTW)  Oh yes, when working with file folders all day for TONS of patients (I don’t work in a doctor’s office, JSYK) things can get sticky. Literally.  Some of the grossest office moments come when I’m innocently perusing a file, updating some important document and I see stains.  Often brown, of uncertain origin, but possibly biological (I’m pretty sure I saw an actual booger the other day). Or chocolate.  Either way, keep runny things away from paper!

2. Cubeland nose-blowers.  Oh, yes.  You’d think someone would have the presence of mind to excuse themselves if they need to expel some mucus, but noooooooooooo.  Maybe I’m silly for being bothered by this, but gurgly snot sounds do NOT a pleasant working environment make.  Also of note: do these people not worry about a stray string of snot dangling out there? Go to the bathroom!

3. Speaking of that inner sanctum, let’s talk toilets. More specifically what some of my coworkers often DON’T do after visiting the toilet: WASH THEIR HANDS.  I don’t know how many times I’ve been innocently tinkling, only to hear someone else’s toilet flush, stall door open and then…… nothing.  They walk out of the bathroom without even rinsing!  I’ve nailed down at least two culprits, one of whom is this prissy woman who walks around talking very “essy” (I guess she thinks it makes her sound cultured?) and looking down her nose at people.  Oh, I’m onto you, prisspot.  Those hands are covered in remnants of urine and fecal matter.  That sign I posted on the bathroom door that says “Please wash your hands!” with a sign of germy palms? Totally directed at you. By the way, don’t touch the copier.

4. Also bathroom related and so gross it’s unbelievable: spying blood on various surfaces.  Oh yes, a travesty of this caliber occurred just this week, this time on the toilet roll itself,  and I was appalled.  Ladies, most of us have been dealing with “bloody issues” since we were about 12, so it’s time we got a handle on proper disposal, k?  If you can’t keep it off the floor and the wall (!!), then perhaps you should go back to 4th grade health class.

No wonder I’m always catching something.

Foreign candy is better than candy in the States

1: Cadbury Crunchie. All I can say is “OMG”. Delightful chocolate coating a golden honeycomb of toffee. And I usually don’t even LIKE toffee. Our coworker’s husband is British and he gave it to us for bringing their family meals after they had a baby.

2: Milka Bar. If you’ve had one, [mysteriously I've been able to buy them at Target of all places] then you know exactly what I’m talking about. Also, they don’t have have a U.S. version of their website.

3: Morinaga Hi-Chew candy: I tried this at a local sushi restaurant and about peed with joy.

4: (not exactly a candy) Digestives Chocolate-Covered Biscuits: that is, an awesome shortbread-type cookie, covered in chocolate.  Again brought to us by coworker’s British husband.  The man knows how to pick treats.

5: Lindt truffles: Okay, ok, so they’re available in the US, but HOLY SHIT these things are good.  They usually surface around Christmas, which is a plus for me because that is the time of year I gorge myself on sweets and don’t really feel bad about it.  This cracker doesn’t keep much candy in the house.

things that bother me, list 3

- when I introduce myself to someone, very clearly pronouncing my name  and they reply, “Nice to meet you, [some other wrong pronunciation of my name].”

- the fact that someone in my company had to have a chart similar to this:

- the fact that the above mentioned dumbass took the chart down after being ridiculed by others in her office. i had to create the above pictured diagram in lieu of an actual photo.

- this whole  “being nervous around people” thing i’ve got going on lately. there can be people i’ve known for YEARS and i still get nervous when i see them. what the hell is that?

- stemming from the nervousness, always thinking people won’t remember me.  i don’t see someone for a while, then see them somewhere random, think they don’t remember me, so i don’t speak. then who looks like the asshole? this cracker right here.

- people who don’t reply to text messages. seriously, just common courtesy of saying “i don’t feel like eating dinner out tonight/with you/ever again” will suffice. most of us aren’t comprised entirely of baby girls; we can take it. 

- clicky shoes that women wear in the office. you may remember me mentioning this previously, but this time it’s almost worse because the lady who sits behind me wears them every. single. day. she also doesn’t celebrate birthdays which is weird to me, and i’m still unclear on the “bless you” thing if she sneezes.

Stand up and shout! This entry is mean.

Here’s a list of things I’d LOVE to stand up and shout while at work:

“It’s ‘asterisk’, not ‘asterik’ or ‘asterix’. Geez.”

“Just because you can’t hear yourself whisper-singing doesn’t mean the rest can’t. Shut it!”

“If you’d stop complaining about how overwhelmed you are/how much work you have to do, you’d get it done a lot faster.”

“Is it really necessary to yell every time you sneeze? I bet not.”

“SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!”

“Oh, I’m sorry.  I didn’t realize the sign on the building said ‘bring all your kids and their friends to run through our office while we’re trying to work.  Every day.’ They’re cute, I get it.  But today they are loud and in large numbers.”

“You just used the word ‘like’ four times in a seven word sentence.  I counted.”

“You smell like a thrift store.  That’s not a compliment.”

“PICK UP YOUR FEET WHEN YOU WALK. ARE YOU REALLY THAT LAZY?!”

Hating what you’ve become…

When I was a kid, I always noticed when teachers did the “lick your thumb to separate the pages when you’re handing out worksheets” thing.

I hated it.

I always dreaded being the kid whose paper was touched by the next fresh lick. I didn’t want my teacher’s spit all over my paper and possibly my hands, face, etc!

This especially happened when we had certain substitute teachers.  I loved getting the lazy ones, because I knew they’d have a fellow student [or me] pass out papers and there would be no licking.

Cut to modern day: I was standing in one of our file rooms at work, sifting through a stack of paper and stamping each page.

The pages kept sticking together.

Without a second thought, I LICKED MY FINGER TO SEPARATE THEM AND CONTINUED ON.

I can’t believe I’ve become a finger-licker-paper-separator!

Things adults should never say = things I have heard adults say

“Let’s see if there’s a Bucky’s around.  I could go for a latte.” – A grown man  Any person alive should not refer to Starbucks as “Bucky’s.” Ever.

“Dere’s go.” – A former coworker would say this CONSTANTLY instead of “There we go”.  Someone has spent a little too much time around her grandkids.

“my ‘rents” – Are you seriously too lazy to fully say the word “parents”? Plus, ” ‘rents ” just sounds stupid.

“cool beans” - I’m sorry, I just have a personal hatred for anyone who uses this term.  Where are these beans and why are they so cool?

“chillax” - Are you on your way to the frat house to “bro down” with your homeboys before the kegger tonight?

“liberry”, “valentime’s day”, or “birfday” - if you are over the age of five, you should probably have your dental fricatives down pat.  I’m looking at YOU, ex-bosslady.

Anything that is said in a baby-voice or a squeal – there is a FORTY YEAR OLD woman in my office who speaks this way on a daily basis. It makes me want to rip my eardrums to shreds with my scissors.

Bluh.

Oh, hell yes.

p.s. peep my sweet white and glitter nail polish. uh huh.

I feel like Nick Burns and my knee sounds like velcro

Ok, so I’m not an IT professional.  But sometimes, lately ALL the time, I totally feel like Nick Burns.  I get the lamest questions thrown at me, usually by people with “seniority”. 

Does it take THAT much effort to click the little blue circle surrounding a question mark that is present in ALL your MS Office applications?

Yes, apparently it is.  I’ve even gone so far as to tell someone “Well, I just Googled it,” when they thank me.  It escapes them that I’ve basically  just told them to do the same thing.

And why, WHYYYYYYYYY do people do things that they think are super helpful without telling me first?  Those things usually tend to be the exact opposite: completely inane, utterly useless, and making my job even more tedious.

Even non-IT questions are starting to get to me.  I want to scream, “We have a process in place.  It is documented.  REFER TO THE TEXT.”  Well, since RFTM wouldn’t quite work here.

Chumps.

Also: when I descend the staircase here, my knee sounds EXACTLY like someone is ripping open some velcro.  I mean EXACTLY.  Sometimes the people sitting downstairs look up at me like “WTF?”

As I ASCEND the same stairs, my knee sounds like a little kid snapping.

I would not lie to you.

According to my doctor, the cartilage under my knee is worn down and my thigh muscles are uneven.  Or something.

CRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRK!

Because, that’s why.

My all-time favorite movie genre is horror.

One of my all-time favorite websites is the site for the Archie McPhee store in Seattle.

When the two come together, I get a new posse.

Here are my new posse members:

And here I am with them:

Don’t hate.  Even the people at work who think I’m a total weirdo were enamored of them and honored when I passed a few of them out.  They decorate quite a few computer monitors in the R&E department now.

p.s. my hair is all done up because I had just gotten home from a wedding.  A wedding that started THREE AND A HALF HOURS LATE. True story.  I don’t make this shit up.