Let me tell you about something that happened to me at work last year:
today i had lunch with a lady who is a secret redneck AND a secret racist.
ok, maybe not so secret.
this is the lady that coordinates a certain student discipline at a certain medical school in a certain town about 2.5 hours northwest of here that is not duke university.
first, i have never seen this woman before. we’ve talked and emailed tons, but never met in person. until today. i was picturing an older, distinguished lady with silver hair and a smart pair of slacks with sensible shoes and a silk blouse. my head-picture lady would garden on the weekends and have tea with her sisters and call her husband (in front of whom she has never farted) “dear”.
what i got was someone who would be right at home on a first date at the monster truck rally drinking urine beer and “wooooo”ing at Bigfoot’s entrance while her date gave her hickies and tried to persuade her to blow him in front of the crowd.
my boss and i pulled up to o’charley’s after musing about what our lunch companion would look like. i wondered aloud, “i wonder if that could be her convertible…” talking about the sebring in the parking lot.
my boss replied, “i bet it’s more likely that that’s her pickup truck.”
at that moment, a poodle-haired woman (not to be confused with Poodle, proper name, with whom we work locally) in the TEAL GREEN pickup truck stuck her tongue out at us.
“this canNOT be her,” i thought.
boy, oh boy, was i wrong.
i can’t get into details, mainly because i was silently screaming, “shut up and look at the damn menu! we have our drinks and we should order and stop wasting the waitress’s time!” but here is a brief summary of things that went down during our lunch with the redneck racist.
– “My daughter’s ADHD…” ad nauseum
– ” Supposively”
– telling the waitress her special substutions instead of asking for them
– rarely looking our waitress in the eye
– me, catching myself gazing at her and realizing her bangs go back to the real hair part of her head, way way beyond the bang hair part
– me, also wondering why she thinks the crunchy white trash jheri curl look is in
and the KICKER to end all kickers:
the lady saying, as we were discussing the pizza inn in durham after mourning the loss of our local locations: “Well, that area is just CRAWLING with blacks, so you have to choose the time you go carefully.”
you have GOT to be kidding me. i almost farted on her right there.
however, her idiot self saying this made me feel MUCH better when, later, i had to literally press my lips together to keep from GUFFAWING at the fact that she said “supposively”