Things that bother me: a lesson in being unreasonable.

When people have super-thick Southern accents.

This is unreasonable because I was born, have been raised, and will probably always live in the South and I have a freaking Southern accent! Well, there IS a difference between being Southern, Country, or just plain Redneck, but still.

Different foods touching on my plate.
God forbid my cantaloupe touches one iota of my green beans, or that my fries get “steak juice” on them. I’m the girl at large meals who has huge spaces on her plate between each food item. Running juices make me cringe and, many times, I’ve used my napkin to sop up anything extra to avoid cross-food contamination.

Fake grape, apple, and orange flavors.
Even though I’m all about some candy and lollipops, it bothers me to no end that, one day, someone just came up with these flavors and named them after fruits even though they bear no resemblance to the actual fruit flavors. I mean, I will eat an assload of grape laffy taffy, but the whole time I’m eating it, I’m really bothered by the fact that it is touted as grape but doesn’t come close to tasting like that which grows on a vine.

Clicky-shoes on my pentagenarian coworker.
Does it bother me when my 37-year-old boss wears slides? Nooooo. But whenever my52-year-old, deeply tanned, overly sexual coworker wears them, flitting around our office, I see red. Seriously, I think my blood pressure goes up a few points every time she walks by me. Maybe it’s because the clicky-shoes are often accompanied by a miniskirt [at work. at age 52.] and pentagenarian’s weird, “sticking-my-ass-out with my head cocked to the right” walk. I just absolutely cannot stand it when this woman wears clicky-shoes. Which, incidentally, is EVERY DAMN DAY.

People over the age of seven who have lisps.
Ok, so I know these people can’t help it. But, SERIOUSLY, did they not have speech therapy classes at these peoples’ elementary schools? I know THREE grown adults with lisps. THREE. Sometimes, I catch myself watching their mouths to see if I can figure out the mechanics of their tongue movements. Why do they lisp? Are their tongues too big? Are their mouths too small? Do they have too many teeth? I’m pretty sure I’ll never have the nerve to ask them. It’s even worse than the girl from my poetry class in college who said “bird” like “bud”. She had the R problem.

People who really, really like classic rock.
Maybe I’m just being an asshole, but the only classic rock song I’ve ever remotely enjoyed is “Stairway to Heaven” and even then, it’s not that great.

Harry Potter mania.
Again, maybe I’m just being an asshole, but I can’t stand that shit.  Wizards and the like have always seemed über-ridiculous to me.

People who have ferrets as pets.
I’m convinced that ferrets are the evilest creatures alive.  Their wee, beady eyes and the way they sniff everything are just creepy.  Not to mention, those suckers are LONG.  Never trust an animal that just looks like a stretched-out version of another animal.  I’ve always equated ferret-ownership with being a huge redneck whose house smells like cat [and ferret].  This redneck also smokes inside, beats their kids in public, and goes to the grocery store barefoot.

I’m sure there are a shit-ton more things that bother me.  You can expect a volume two in the (somewhat) near future.


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