Putting the wrong emPHASSis on the wrong syllABle.

One thing I forgot to tell you about Woodchuck: she tries to make people think she’s highly intelligent by putting the wrong emphasis on the wrong syllable [see title for details].

Once, while she was regaling me with details of her date with a coworker (during this account she repeated “Illusions are false” … no shit, Woodchuck, that’s why they’re called “illusions”) she started telling me about how she and the coworker began “connecting”.

He apparently kept showing up in her office, bringing her her daily mail, etc.  Then, he asked to borrow her copy of Ulysses.  You and I know it as “you-LISS-ease”; Woodchuck, on the other hand, calls it “YOULL-iss-ease”. Throughout the [rather one-sided] conversation, Woodchuck repeatedly referenced “YOULL-iss-ease”. Repeatedly.

At first, I just chalked this up to Woodchuck being kind of insane and in a bad mood because of her horrible date with coworker boy.

That is, until last week.

I was in Woodchuck’s area [no, not THAT area. and i HAD to be there. it wasn’t by choice] and she was doing some major asskissing after the “big mouth” episode.  We were chatting about how some of our building got flooded and how disgustingly moldy everything smelled.

“Not a very healthy work environment, eh?” I said.

“”Yeah with the mold and there may even be ass-best-OHSS stirred up.”


I was so tempted to say “You mean ass-BEST-ohss?”

It’s like the time someone I know pronounced Paul Klee’s last name “Kleeee” instead of “Klay”.

I even googled that shit to make sure I was right.

And I was.


One thought on “Putting the wrong emPHASSis on the wrong syllABle.

  1. I know people like Woodchuck. They end up making assESS out of themselves.

    Kind of a change of subject, but I have as much trouble listeneing to FOX’s Greta Van Susteren as a do those pretentious types.

    Greta always eats the last syllable of the last word in every goddamn sentence. Drives me crazy.

    It’s like this.

    “Tonight on FOX… a look at the Utah mine disast.
    Five men are believed to be at the bottom of this mine in Ut”.


    Hope you’re well, my friend. Tell Canada I said “Hello eh”.


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