Monthly Archives: October 2007

OMG She’s everywhere!

So the Pentagenarian [with whom I have been getting along fabulously lately. Hope that didn’t jinx it] and I took our boss out for a belated bosses’ day lunch on Friday.

It took us forever to decide where to go, but we finally settled on a good place with awesome food where we never think to go.

We entered the restaurant, and were seated immediately.

All seemed well.

Until our waitress came.

WHY?

BECAUSE SHE LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE ZELDA BUT WALKING AND WITH CURLY HAIR!!!

WOULD YOU WANT THIS:

SERVING YOUR MEAL?!?!?

Why I am probably already an old spinster -or- perpetually single

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to meet a guy who will put up with me.  There are times when I am like “Oooooh! This weekend, I’m totally going to go out and have a great time!” and then, by the time the weekend comes, I’m more like “Wow. Sitting in my apartment and watching a movie then going to bed sounds like a GREAT idea.”

I’m not easily definable, and it seems like all the guys I know want someone that is.  There are too many aspects of my life that almost don’t make sense when put together:
– i love cemeteries, stories about ghosts, dead people, forensics, anything some people might consider “ghoulish” but show me a worm on the sidewalk and i will probably punch you for grossing me out.

– i listen to loud angry music that says things like fuck shit damn hell, but i also listen to sixpence none the richer and stavesacre and beloved aka bands with a “Christian message”.

– along those same lines, I’m totally a believer, but the things that come out of my mouth [especially when I drive] could possibly make a sailor blush.  a lot of people don’t understand that.

– I think toilet humor is hilarious, but I know some dudes that go so far as to believe that girls don’t even fart, so there’s a strange juxtaposition: if they don’t think I even fart, then how can I possibly joke about turds and stuff with them?

– I am just as happy wearing cutoffs, a tank top and flip-flops as I am wearing pointy-toed shoes, crisp jeans, and a “cute top”. I am neither a tomboy nor a girly-girl.

– I think things like this:

and this:
are unbelievably hilarious

– I could sit and play Galaxia, Dig Dug, and Rally-X until my fingers bled.  Old-school video games are awesome to me… and so are computer games.  I won’t tell you how many rounds of Dynomite or Free Cell I’ve played in the last month.

– This was my favorite Halloween costume of all time, from 2005:

Me as Stuart

My brother has warned me never to let any dude I like see this picture, because it will apparently scare him off.  BUT I want a guy who will see this picture and think I’m the coolest chick alive.

– I’m kind of a geek. and I like geeky guys.  But it seems I’m not ENOUGH of a geek to GET the geeky guys.

– I look like this when I laugh:

Haha

(ignore the cleav, plz)

Aaaand there are a whole lot of other things, but none come to mind. I’ll let you know.

The REM Sleep Diaries and The Theme Fiasco

Among a lot of other things in my life, one thing I do rather oddly is sleep.  Or, to be more specific, dream.

I first noticed that my dreaming patterns were something weird at age six.  I’d had a fever and ended up dreaming this:

Our family went on a trip to the beach [we’re beach people, in the David Sedaris school of thought] and Grover [from Sesame Street] went with us.  Upon returning home, I discovered that Grover had peed in his bathing suit and I threatened to tell on him.  Immediately, he turned into the Big Bad Wolf and trapped me behind my bed.

I woke up crying and my dad came and gave me baby aspirin and sat with me until I went back to sleep.

If only I’d known then how weird my dreams would get.

I often wake myself up by talking.  Also, by laughing.

I once dreamed that my sister and I were running through some building, when I slipped on a floor mat and started to fall.  Somehow, I slowed myself down and did a funny pose as I fell, with the intent of making her crack up.

It worked. REALLY well, because I started cracking up so loudly that I woke up, laughed a while, sighed, and went back to sleep.

True story.

I also once woke myself and my parents up by yelling for my mom in my sleep.  I was at that “everything is scary and I have to sleep on my parents’ bedroom floor” phase in my life, when I began dreaming that my brother was grabbing the back of my neck and tickling me [did you know tickling is a form of torture?].  In real, awake life when he did this, I used to yell for my mom to make him quit.  In my dream, asleep life, I also did this and woke up to myself saying “Moooooooooooooooooommmmmmmm!”

I immediately slurred, “Mom? Did I just call for you?”

“Uh huh. Yeah”

“Oh”

Then we all went back to sleep.

A lot of times, my dreams have recurring themes or settings.  The most popular dream setting? School.  And it’s usually my high school [vomit] and the dreams, more often than not, involve me either being VERY late to class, skipping class, or going to a class I’ve only attended once or twice and finding out that I have no idea what’s going on.

The second most-common setting is a grocery store.  One of my most memorable “WTF?” dreams involved me in soccer gear running down the aisle to get away from the ghost of the statue of liberty.

I know.

Usually, though, I’m searching for chocolate milk or orange juice. In EVERY grocery store dream.  Maybe this is a sign that I need more calcium and vitamin C?

Sometimes, my dreams completely escape my memory, but they make me wake up with a sense of urgency. 

For example, the other night I awoke with a start, sat upright, turned on my bedside lamp, and realized my heart was racing.

With absolutely no recollection of my dream, I grabbed my golf club [complete with head cut off; better for impaling intruders] and checked every nook and cranny of my apartment.

Even my washer/dryer closet where you’d have to be two-dimensional just to fit.

There was no one in my apartment but me. Thank God.

Since it’s taken me forever to write this entry, I’ve had another theme dream. AND IT SUCKED! (please refer to “Let me Borrow that Top” by Kelly in order to get the feel for that last phrase)

It was a school dream again.  This time, I had a World History exam and had missed the last few classes [par for the course so far] but, then, the dream carried over into real-life and I woke up like four times with a sense of panic thinking “Holy shit! I have to study for that exam!”

Good. Gah.

Things that make you go “hmmmm?”

1. Can Kim Kardashian sleep on her back at night? Seriously. Have you SEEN the ass on this girl? Sleeping on her back must be like if I took four pillows and shoved them under my pajama pants and tried to sleep that way.

2. Why do movies that are based on books usually have about one-third the actual book content/storyline?  Maybe it’s just me, but for once I’d like to see a movie based on a book that is actually a movie BASED ON THE ACTUAL CONTENT OF A BOOK IN ITS ENTIRETY.  This probably stems from my annoyance that the shoestring/tying a bow bit was omitted from the movie form of The Green Mile, or the fact that the Casanova and Gentleman Caller characters in the movie form of Kiss the Girls are FAR less sinister and creepy than in the book. I WANT CREEPY, DAMMIT!

3. Why are so many grown adults obsessed with Harry Potter? Yes, I’ve mentioned this before and yes, it still bugs the hell out of me.  Besides, BTSG is a rabid Harry Potter fan, which makes it all the more irritating.

4. Why is it that I only notice worms on the sidewalk as I’m entering work and either a) about to get breakfast or b) coming back from lunch with food in my hand to eat at my desk. Today, I saw worms in the shape of a capital cursive S and an ampersand.  The ampersand is my favorite punctuation mark. This was not appetizing.

5.  Why… just why? wtfbritney.JPG

6. Why did Gary Coleman just come back with a bag from Arby’s [straight after the dentist, too], go to her desk, eat it, then, five minutes later, when someone sent out an email saying “Hey, there’s leftover food out here; come get some!” did she then proceed to come to the table, plate in hand, and load up on chicken marsala, garlic mashed potatoes, etc.? Homegirl is diabetic, pushing 400 pounds, and sweats like a sumo wrestler.  Since she always eats this way, this may also beg the question: how has she not yet keeled over?!