Monthly Archives: May 2008

Band-aids, anemia, and double finger-pricks. NOT flipping off the camera.

If you’ve ever wondered what my avatar looks like up close, well, here ya go:

ha! image removed. some asshole kept hotlinking and putting this picture of me in an internet forum about soccer. niiice.


Attempted theft!

The damn food-stealer just got a mouthful from me.

And I’m not talking stolen food, either.

Today, my coworker K offered to make a Starbucks run for us.  Now normally, I don’t get anything because, ever since they got rid of their Coconut Creme Frappuccinos, I’ve had no idea what to get from Starbucks.

K advised me to look online and I decided on a delicious Chai Tea Frappuccino.


Since about seven of us ordered drinks, K called as she was on her way back so I could let her into the building/help her carry the plethora of drinks.

We climbed the stairs and stopped at the first cube to hand off drinks to two of our coworkers.  K pointed out that the last one in my drink carrier was my drink.

Trying not to look and failing miserably, I saw the damn food-stealer’s eyes get really big as she eyed my drink.

I tried to turn and run but she blurted, “Freshcracker, what did YOU get?”

Notice she didn’t ask about anyone else’s.

“A chaiteafrapp,” I quickly said.

Without missing a beat, the damn food-stealer said, “Mmmmm can I have some?”

I saw red.

And my coworker’s probably saw red. On my face.

Finally I said, “You are ALWAYS taking my food!”

The damn food-stealer’s face went red and she attempted to shift focus to K for not including her on the drink order.

We all ignored her.

Damn, that felt good.

p.s. I am employing the slap method (Jimsmuse, not quite as radical as a fork, but I may have to work up to that) next time her bony hand comes anywhere near my food or beverage.


Okay, seriously.

I’m afraid to look [and can’t, because I’m at work] but WHAT, pray tell, is the new internet phenomenon of 2 Girls 1 Cracker?

I’m asking because about four hundred people [slight exaggeration] have googled that term and landed here.

I’m also curious about “could an entity smell like stinking feet,” “cool to read on the crapper,” and, especially, “2007 halloween costumes ‘ampersand'”.

That last one gets an especially because, as you may know, the ampersand is my favorite typographical character, and halloween is my favorite holiday.

bingo! greatest halloween costume idea EVER.

Uh, whoa.

This picture looks like a picture of Albert Einstein. Correct?

Now, get up from your chair and stand fifteen or so feet back.

Who do you see now?

Seriously, DHL.

Recently, I placed an order on and have been anxiously awaiting its arrival.

I went to check the shipping status, and this is what I found:

So apparently if you live in NC and order from a company with a shipping facility in SC, the package has to go back South to Georgia, skip two states [including yours] and go up to Virginia before coming back South to your town, which is in the Southeastern part of the state.


Next time, send it US Mail, mkay?

Oh crap!

Dammit dammit dammit!

I just realized that the damn food-stealer (see previous post) could possibly become the damn beer-stealer after tomorrow evening.

See, we work across the street from a mixed-use center. You know, you can live, dine and shop there type place.

This mixed-use place has free music on Friday nights, coolers welcome. This is great, because I can go buy my glorious imported Belgian ale [it’s called Lambic. try some.] and drink it on the lawn instead of paying five bucks for a cup of warm Bud Light or something [nothing against all domestics, but there is some NASTY shit out there].

Today, I made a major mistake: I told the damn food-stealer about this glorious beverage and that I was probably going to get a couple of bottles to bring to the music thing.

I can see it now:

“Hi Freshcracker. Ooooh that looks good! Can I have a sip?” OR “What are you drinkeeeen?” (Yes, she says her gerunds like Kelly Kapowski)


I think, starting early early tomorrow morning, I’m going to have the beginnings of a pretend cold.  One with a fake very sore throat included. My feigned symptoms will probably reach their not-for-real peak between 6pm and 7pm, which is prime time for the damn food-stealer to start her mooching.


The damn food-stealer

There is a girl with whom I work who is ostensibly very nice, but she has a dark, dark inner self that I have come to recognize as the bane of my existence: she is a damn food-stealer.

It started out when my cubicle was near hers, and she’d mosey over to chat.

I hate myself for phrasing that last sentence like that.

Anyway, she and I became fairly good work pals right away and I think I know why: not only would I listen to her detailed conversations -including verbatim dialog, much like Lady Criesalot– I also overlooked her tendency to use “like”, “you know” and “or whateverrrrr” at least four times each during the course of a sentence or two, but I like to keep tasty snacks in my desk drawer so I don’t freak out and eat an entire buffet during lunch.

The damn food-stealer began taking advantage of my snack stash.

First, it was “Oooh that looks good! Can I have some?”

This, of course, should’ve been a major red flag, but at the time I was the new girl so it was merely a pale pink piece of fuzz in my peripheral.  Although I absolutely detest the thought of ever asking to sample someone else’s food [I assume if they want to share, they’ll tell me] I decided to give the girl the benefit of the doubt and let her hand go snaking into my bag of granola bar bits.

That is where this Cracker made her major mistake: I opened the floodgates for all damn food-stealers and accidentally branded myself a girl-who-doesn’t-mind-sharing-food.


I moved cubicles due to a coworker leaving and the new space being a prime spot to sit near my other team members, and, as I was moving across the room,  I assumed the damn food-stealer would find other desks to scavenge, but I was wrong.

Just the other day, we were on a major project deadline [data cutoff, semi-annual report due, and preparation for my coworker to be gone for a week] so I didn’t leave to get lunch. At all. Not even takeout.

I decided I could tide myself over with goldfish crackers until dinner and opened my food drawer to retrieve them.

It must’ve been like a dog whistle and the damn food-stealer some kind of terrier with as quickly as she spanned the room and stood before my chair.

My blood began to boil as I saw her skinny little hand go reaching into the bag of what was my only meal until 7pm or so.

“Girl, why’re you always stealing my foood?”  I said this in a joking, more-Southern-than-I-actually-sound way, but on the inside I really meant it.

“Because I know you don’t care,” she replied.

cue the crickets.

I was about to say, “Are you sure about that?” but I only got “Are y-” out before I was called to answer a question or take care of something.


Next time, I’m bringing in nothing but wasabi peas, McDonald’s [the damn food-stealer is kind of a health nut] and the flaming hot salsa from my local burrito joint [I happen to know that the damn food-stealer refuses to eat there on the grounds that she will have the hershey’s about three minutes after eating].

I can’t wait until the damn food-stealer changes departments so I can snack and work undisturbed.

The very thought makes me drool…

Attention internet jerks and spam-folk.

By googling “myspace cracker” and landing on my blog you will in no way, shape, or form get tips on how to crack other peoples’ myspace passwords, etc.

Don’t you have better ways to use your time than trying to hack into the myspace of some ho from your middle school so you can post mean messages to all your enemies?


However, if you google “zelda pet sematary”, “sister pet sematary”, or “scariest woman”, well, welcome to the goldmine.

This is my favorite wedding photo of all time:

yes, that is me making demon face on the right, while my sister makes a cute “i’m getting married” face

Various and sundry items.

Today I:

  • held a baby. he slept the whole time. and draped his arm over mine like “hey, this is comfy”
  • found out that the people at work are doing something for my birthday. WHICH IS TOMORROW. I WILL BE 29. I DO NOT FEEL TWENTY-NINE YEARS OLD. According to most people, I don’t look it, either. I sure as hell don’t act like it.
  • the way I found out people at work are doing something for my birthday was to stand at my coworker’s cube, casually glance at her open email portal, and not-on-purpose look for my name. There it was, plain as day “What do y’all think we should do for Thefreshcracker‘s 29th Birthday?” I then brought up my bad eyesight so no one would suspect what I saw.


Also: there is one thing I do, but never discuss with anyone:

Watch ALL movies [even those in English] with subtitles on. And I like it.

And finally: if you want to know what I look like when I’m making an evil face with a Boxer on my chest, here you go: