The damn food-stealer

There is a girl with whom I work who is ostensibly very nice, but she has a dark, dark inner self that I have come to recognize as the bane of my existence: she is a damn food-stealer.

It started out when my cubicle was near hers, and she’d mosey over to chat.

I hate myself for phrasing that last sentence like that.

Anyway, she and I became fairly good work pals right away and I think I know why: not only would I listen to her detailed conversations -including verbatim dialog, much like Lady Criesalot– I also overlooked her tendency to use “like”, “you know” and “or whateverrrrr” at least four times each during the course of a sentence or two, but I like to keep tasty snacks in my desk drawer so I don’t freak out and eat an entire buffet during lunch.

The damn food-stealer began taking advantage of my snack stash.

First, it was “Oooh that looks good! Can I have some?”

This, of course, should’ve been a major red flag, but at the time I was the new girl so it was merely a pale pink piece of fuzz in my peripheral.  Although I absolutely detest the thought of ever asking to sample someone else’s food [I assume if they want to share, they’ll tell me] I decided to give the girl the benefit of the doubt and let her hand go snaking into my bag of granola bar bits.

That is where this Cracker made her major mistake: I opened the floodgates for all damn food-stealers and accidentally branded myself a girl-who-doesn’t-mind-sharing-food.


I moved cubicles due to a coworker leaving and the new space being a prime spot to sit near my other team members, and, as I was moving across the room,  I assumed the damn food-stealer would find other desks to scavenge, but I was wrong.

Just the other day, we were on a major project deadline [data cutoff, semi-annual report due, and preparation for my coworker to be gone for a week] so I didn’t leave to get lunch. At all. Not even takeout.

I decided I could tide myself over with goldfish crackers until dinner and opened my food drawer to retrieve them.

It must’ve been like a dog whistle and the damn food-stealer some kind of terrier with as quickly as she spanned the room and stood before my chair.

My blood began to boil as I saw her skinny little hand go reaching into the bag of what was my only meal until 7pm or so.

“Girl, why’re you always stealing my foood?”  I said this in a joking, more-Southern-than-I-actually-sound way, but on the inside I really meant it.

“Because I know you don’t care,” she replied.

cue the crickets.

I was about to say, “Are you sure about that?” but I only got “Are y-” out before I was called to answer a question or take care of something.


Next time, I’m bringing in nothing but wasabi peas, McDonald’s [the damn food-stealer is kind of a health nut] and the flaming hot salsa from my local burrito joint [I happen to know that the damn food-stealer refuses to eat there on the grounds that she will have the hershey’s about three minutes after eating].

I can’t wait until the damn food-stealer changes departments so I can snack and work undisturbed.

The very thought makes me drool…


8 thoughts on “The damn food-stealer

  1. planetross says:

    I have a friend who is a bit more subtle. When he sees someone eating something, he asks what it tastes like. 80% of the time the other person will give him a bite.
    His other favourite line is, “I’ve never tried that before, is it good?”. I’ve seen him do this to someone eating chocolate chip cookies!! (they were foreigners though)

  2. I think your damn food-stealer [food-requester?] and my damn food-stealer need to get together and take turns snatching food from each other.

    I’d probably enjoy seeing that.

  3. romi41 says:

    In my old office I had started up a “candy drawer” (dominated by mini chocolate bars, sour keys, gummi bears, etc) and after it became popular and I began to get poor, I put in a “change cup”, so people could have some candy and drop off some change, allowing me to replenish what had now become the “community candy drawer”…well a few weeks and a “cha-ching” of change later, my drawer was empty and I only had enough change to buy maybe one king-sized Snickers bar…

    moral of the story: people are filthy, mooching pigs, among other unpleasant qualities…


    PS: I feel like I’ve seen you around wordpress somewhere (i.e. that avatar is memorable so I know I’ve seen it, haha), but anyhoo you crack me up 😉

  4. jimsmuse says:

    I grew up in a family of four. Every night for dinner my mother made enough food for 7 people, but we all wanted seconds.

    The lesson? Learning to eat quick and develop the courage needed to stick actually stick your fork into someone’s hand and “food-stealers” will learn to leave you alone.

  5. Red says:

    “Because I know you don’t care” hahhahaa! Are folks that clueless?

    Next time yall are “sharing” some snacks, you ought to nonchalantly say, “Damn! I forgot to wash my hands after taking my morning crap!”

  6. bronsonfive says:

    Fucking office food stealers! I used to have that problem at my old office but I did something awesome to catch said thief…

    I made some tuna one weekend, then left it out to bake in the sun for an entire weekend. Then I put it in the work fridge on Monday morning. Tuesday, I walked into the office to see said thief dead on the floor with a half-eaten sandwich in their hand. It was hilarious.

    No one ever stole my food again.

  7. Romi: I’m almost certain that I would face the same result were I to include a change cup, so I’ve started hiding my food beneath plastic bags draped on top. No one wants to steal plastic bags. Also, I share the same foot dogma as you: NO MANDALS!

    Muse: I might have to either grow out my nails or begin eating all snacks with utensils because getting violent is seriously looking like the only option for me to actually keep my own food.

    Red: You’re right; the damn food-stealer already knows I’m one of the “poops at work” folks, so that would fit excellently into a keep-my-damn-food plan.

    Bronson: You are giving me ideas. Some would call them BAD ideas, but I say that anything that keeps the damn food-stealers at bay is an A-OK plan.

  8. romi41 says:

    OMG to the MANDALS!!! I love that term, as it evokes the same distaste I have towards “manpris” (men who wear capris…GAAH!)

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