Mother, in reference to me holding my nephew: “You need about three of those.”
Me: “Whaaaat? Why?”
Mother: “Because you’re so good with them.”
CAN YOU NOT, MOM?
Me: *quietly working at my desk, outside of which is a sign where my cube neighbor and I request “Quiet, please. Brains at work.”
Coworker: *slams out of the records room, loudly talking to someone and cackling*
Me: *sighs loudly*
Coworker: *continues to blather and be an overly obstreperous nuisance.
COWORKER, CAN YOU NOT?
Trees: *blowing pollen and shit all over my yard, my house, my car, and me*
Me: *sinus headaches and fatigue daily*
TREES, CAN YOU NOT?