Category Archives: Huh?

Somebody’s watchin’ meeee! -or- Did I really just say that?

While I realize the internet is a public forum, it still skeeves me out a bit to know that someone in my town googled “the fresh cracker wordpress” and landed here.

I have to wonder: did someone from my office somehow find out the blog title and domain and come here to see if they could catch me saying anything bad about work? Too bad, I never mention the company or what we do. Or name names.  I’ve been spied on by coworkers before, had things I’ve said severely twisted to the point of them being given a whole new meaning. Suck it.

Could it be a friend of mine who just forgot to mention that they came here to get an eyeful of ridiculousness? Maybe.

I have one other suspect, but let’s not talk about that.

IN OTHER NEWS: today I was eating lunch with my friend Amanda and talking about baby names [our coworker’s wife is pregnant] and totally slipped and said, “I like the name Zelda for a girl….” Then proceeded to freak out because what I MEANT to say was “Stella”.

SHE IS STILL EVERYWHERE!!!!!

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Hating what you’ve become…

When I was a kid, I always noticed when teachers did the “lick your thumb to separate the pages when you’re handing out worksheets” thing.

I hated it.

I always dreaded being the kid whose paper was touched by the next fresh lick. I didn’t want my teacher’s spit all over my paper and possibly my hands, face, etc!

This especially happened when we had certain substitute teachers.  I loved getting the lazy ones, because I knew they’d have a fellow student [or me] pass out papers and there would be no licking.

Cut to modern day: I was standing in one of our file rooms at work, sifting through a stack of paper and stamping each page.

The pages kept sticking together.

Without a second thought, I LICKED MY FINGER TO SEPARATE THEM AND CONTINUED ON.

I can’t believe I’ve become a finger-licker-paper-separator!

Things adults should never say = things I have heard adults say

“Let’s see if there’s a Bucky’s around.  I could go for a latte.”A grown man  Any person alive should not refer to Starbucks as “Bucky’s.” Ever.

“Dere’s go.” – A former coworker would say this CONSTANTLY instead of “There we go”.  Someone has spent a little too much time around her grandkids.

“my ‘rents” – Are you seriously too lazy to fully say the word “parents”? Plus, ” ‘rents ” just sounds stupid.

“cool beans” – I’m sorry, I just have a personal hatred for anyone who uses this term.  Where are these beans and why are they so cool?

“chillax” – Are you on your way to the frat house to “bro down” with your homeboys before the kegger tonight?

“liberry”, “valentime’s day”, or “birfday” – if you are over the age of five, you should probably have your dental fricatives down pat.  I’m looking at YOU, ex-bosslady.

Anything that is said in a baby-voice or a squeal – there is a FORTY YEAR OLD woman in my office who speaks this way on a daily basis. It makes me want to rip my eardrums to shreds with my scissors.

Bluh.

I feel like Nick Burns and my knee sounds like velcro

Ok, so I’m not an IT professional.  But sometimes, lately ALL the time, I totally feel like Nick Burns.  I get the lamest questions thrown at me, usually by people with “seniority”. 

Does it take THAT much effort to click the little blue circle surrounding a question mark that is present in ALL your MS Office applications?

Yes, apparently it is.  I’ve even gone so far as to tell someone “Well, I just Googled it,” when they thank me.  It escapes them that I’ve basically  just told them to do the same thing.

And why, WHYYYYYYYYY do people do things that they think are super helpful without telling me first?  Those things usually tend to be the exact opposite: completely inane, utterly useless, and making my job even more tedious.

Even non-IT questions are starting to get to me.  I want to scream, “We have a process in place.  It is documented.  REFER TO THE TEXT.”  Well, since RFTM wouldn’t quite work here.

Chumps.

Also: when I descend the staircase here, my knee sounds EXACTLY like someone is ripping open some velcro.  I mean EXACTLY.  Sometimes the people sitting downstairs look up at me like “WTF?”

As I ASCEND the same stairs, my knee sounds like a little kid snapping.

I would not lie to you.

According to my doctor, the cartilage under my knee is worn down and my thigh muscles are uneven.  Or something.

CRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRK!

I forgot to say…

After re-reading my old entry from way back regarding my long hair, I must now say that I totally shaved my head.

About a month ago.

And it looked like this:

Okay, so it wasn’t completely shorn off (and I seriously don’t really care if you know what I look like), but DAMN was it liberating!  This will probably become a regular thing with me, especially since I’ve begun bleaching the hell out of it.

Awesome.

It’s not spam, but it sure is something

Okay, seriously.  I didn’t think I had that common of a last name, but, in recent months, I have gotten a SLEW of emails for people other than myself.

These emails are not spam.  Most of the time, they are forwards from the person’s work email address, or, better yet, order confirmations [one today was for a “hand kit” or something. WTF?]

I should start a blog in the vein of “The wrong KMiller” entitled “The wrong LMeadows”

Learn your own email addresses, idiots!

 

Seriously.

Incurring the wrath of Tylenol PM

Note to self:

taking a Tylenol PM at 7:30 but then staying up a while to watch a movie will not only make your sleep cycle severely confused, but will delay your deep sleep so you can’t get your ass out of bed the next morning.

Also: dreaming about bobcats and kangaroos in Thomasville is NOT how you want to spend each night.  Especially since there really ARE bobcats in Thomasville.

Unless the alternative is the “running from the ghost of the Statue of Liberty while running through a grocery store dressed in soccer gear” dream.

Seriously. And I didn’t even take any medicine at all that night.

What tops all those, though, is the “Grover turning into the Big Bad Wolf ” dream when I was six, but that’s a story for another time.

Band-aids, anemia, and double finger-pricks. NOT flipping off the camera.

If you’ve ever wondered what my avatar looks like up close, well, here ya go:

ha! image removed. some asshole kept hotlinking and putting this picture of me in an internet forum about soccer. niiice.

Attempted theft!

The damn food-stealer just got a mouthful from me.

And I’m not talking stolen food, either.

Today, my coworker K offered to make a Starbucks run for us.  Now normally, I don’t get anything because, ever since they got rid of their Coconut Creme Frappuccinos, I’ve had no idea what to get from Starbucks.

K advised me to look online and I decided on a delicious Chai Tea Frappuccino.

Mmmmmmmmmm.

Since about seven of us ordered drinks, K called as she was on her way back so I could let her into the building/help her carry the plethora of drinks.

We climbed the stairs and stopped at the first cube to hand off drinks to two of our coworkers.  K pointed out that the last one in my drink carrier was my drink.

Trying not to look and failing miserably, I saw the damn food-stealer’s eyes get really big as she eyed my drink.

I tried to turn and run but she blurted, “Freshcracker, what did YOU get?”

Notice she didn’t ask about anyone else’s.

“A chaiteafrapp,” I quickly said.

Without missing a beat, the damn food-stealer said, “Mmmmm can I have some?”

I saw red.

And my coworker’s probably saw red. On my face.

Finally I said, “You are ALWAYS taking my food!”

The damn food-stealer’s face went red and she attempted to shift focus to K for not including her on the drink order.

We all ignored her.

Damn, that felt good.

p.s. I am employing the slap method (Jimsmuse, not quite as radical as a fork, but I may have to work up to that) next time her bony hand comes anywhere near my food or beverage.

Huh?

Okay, seriously.

I’m afraid to look [and can’t, because I’m at work] but WHAT, pray tell, is the new internet phenomenon of 2 Girls 1 Cracker?

I’m asking because about four hundred people [slight exaggeration] have googled that term and landed here.

I’m also curious about “could an entity smell like stinking feet,” “cool to read on the crapper,” and, especially, “2007 halloween costumes ‘ampersand'”.

That last one gets an especially because, as you may know, the ampersand is my favorite typographical character, and halloween is my favorite holiday.

bingo! greatest halloween costume idea EVER.