Category Archives: lists

FREEEEEEEDOMMMM!

I realized today that, not only do I enjoy the actual work part of my job like a thousand times better than my previous job, the number of perks of being able to work from home when I want are quickly adding up.  Of note:

  • pants? COMPLETELY OPTIONAL
  • no bra? NO PROBLEM!
  • making up (and then loudly performing) funny songs and/or profanity-laden word salad at things I see? WHY THE HELL NOT?!
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Have I ever told you…

that the house I grew up in was haunted? Now, you might be picturing a ramshackle, run down piece of crap house, but ours was nothing like that.  It was a cute brick ranch in a middle-class neighborhood with a very above-average yard (my parents have the greenest thumbs of anyone on the planet).  We had hair touching, and phantom tv noises, and “who the hell was I playing with?” moments and parents falling out of the attic but feeling pushed moments.

My parents have since moved to a larger house in a town about 10 miles away, and every time I visit I go by our old house.  It is apparently empty now, and I desperately want to find the woman who bought it to ask her if anything ever touched her hair or otherwise scared the crap out of her.

that sometimes I do lots and lots of random shit at odd hours? For example, it is now 3:03 am, Eastern time, and I am blogging. Two hours ago I was taking a camera phone photo of myself and my room as proof of the aftermath of ebaying.  I tore shit apart in my entire apartment looking for one USB cord that is seriously about 10 years old, all so I could sell my old digital camera.  I did a total super-cussin’ victory dance that included thanking Jesus [for real], fist pumping, jumping around and doing some weird cheerleader-type stunt with the help of my bed.

One night about a year ago, I decided to move my entire living room around, also at about 3am.  After thirty minutes of sweating and cussing, I realized I hated it and went to bed very angry.  I moved it back about a week later, completely crestfallen.

Cleaning the bathroom and driving also make this list.  Maybe those don’t necessarily qualify as “random shit” but most people I know do not take a two to three hour nap just so they can drive at 4am and avoid traffic, or decide that their bathtub HAS to be sparkling after a night out til 2.

that almost nothing grosses me out? (This does NOT count worms on the sidewalk) If you look closely, you’ll see I have the categories “farts” and “snot and boogers” in this blog.  My family has no qualms about discussing bowel movements and nasal output.  I’m lucky that many of my friends feel this way as well.  It isn’t uncommon for my friend Katie and I to email or text each other:  “Dude, I just took the greatest shit of my life.  It filled the bowl,” or “My butt just exploded.”  The latter is often after we hit up our favorite sushi joint.  Go figure.

My brother-in-law and I discuss farts on a regular basis and I have often been the victim of his crop dusting skills. And he is an EXPERT.

that my ideal house is one that may resemble a castle, will probably creep people out a little when they come over, and will also probably be dust-filled? Ok, so we can probably attribute the dustiness to my hatred of dusting. Seriously. I have not dusted my apartment in YEARS, except for the last time this guy I’m kind of seeing came over.  And that was just a dusting of the bookshelves around my Mexican money and skeleton key collection.  However, dust does lend a certain creep factor to things and although I am by no means some goth girl, I LOVE creepy.

I think antiques and dark wallpaper and damask fabric are beautiful things and I am all over trying to have a house that features this.  Bonuses would include: gargoyle statues, an atrium with tinted windows so it always seems gloomy out, and a library with large windows flanked by heavy, heavy drapery.

Boo!

Things that gross me out: office edition

So by now you know that there are lots of things that I despise and some that even sicken me.  This compendium, of course, includes worms on the sidewalk *shudder* and since my office building is surrounded by sidewalks, my short trek into work often grosses me out.

But let’s take it a step further and go INTO the building.

I know, I know, you’re thinking “Come on, you work in an OFFICE.  How gross can things actually get?”

1. Fluids on file folders.  (alliteration FTW)  Oh yes, when working with file folders all day for TONS of patients (I don’t work in a doctor’s office, JSYK) things can get sticky. Literally.  Some of the grossest office moments come when I’m innocently perusing a file, updating some important document and I see stains.  Often brown, of uncertain origin, but possibly biological (I’m pretty sure I saw an actual booger the other day). Or chocolate.  Either way, keep runny things away from paper!

2. Cubeland nose-blowers.  Oh, yes.  You’d think someone would have the presence of mind to excuse themselves if they need to expel some mucus, but noooooooooooo.  Maybe I’m silly for being bothered by this, but gurgly snot sounds do NOT a pleasant working environment make.  Also of note: do these people not worry about a stray string of snot dangling out there? Go to the bathroom!

3. Speaking of that inner sanctum, let’s talk toilets. More specifically what some of my coworkers often DON’T do after visiting the toilet: WASH THEIR HANDS.  I don’t know how many times I’ve been innocently tinkling, only to hear someone else’s toilet flush, stall door open and then…… nothing.  They walk out of the bathroom without even rinsing!  I’ve nailed down at least two culprits, one of whom is this prissy woman who walks around talking very “essy” (I guess she thinks it makes her sound cultured?) and looking down her nose at people.  Oh, I’m onto you, prisspot.  Those hands are covered in remnants of urine and fecal matter.  That sign I posted on the bathroom door that says “Please wash your hands!” with a sign of germy palms? Totally directed at you. By the way, don’t touch the copier.

4. Also bathroom related and so gross it’s unbelievable: spying blood on various surfaces.  Oh yes, a travesty of this caliber occurred just this week, this time on the toilet roll itself,  and I was appalled.  Ladies, most of us have been dealing with “bloody issues” since we were about 12, so it’s time we got a handle on proper disposal, k?  If you can’t keep it off the floor and the wall (!!), then perhaps you should go back to 4th grade health class.

No wonder I’m always catching something.

Foreign candy is better than candy in the States

1: Cadbury Crunchie. All I can say is “OMG”. Delightful chocolate coating a golden honeycomb of toffee. And I usually don’t even LIKE toffee. Our coworker’s husband is British and he gave it to us for bringing their family meals after they had a baby.

2: Milka Bar. If you’ve had one, [mysteriously I’ve been able to buy them at Target of all places] then you know exactly what I’m talking about. Also, they don’t have have a U.S. version of their website.

3: Morinaga Hi-Chew candy: I tried this at a local sushi restaurant and about peed with joy.

4: (not exactly a candy) Digestives Chocolate-Covered Biscuits: that is, an awesome shortbread-type cookie, covered in chocolate.  Again brought to us by coworker’s British husband.  The man knows how to pick treats.

5: Lindt truffles: Okay, ok, so they’re available in the US, but HOLY SHIT these things are good.  They usually surface around Christmas, which is a plus for me because that is the time of year I gorge myself on sweets and don’t really feel bad about it.  This cracker doesn’t keep much candy in the house.

things that bother me, list 3

– when I introduce myself to someone, very clearly pronouncing my name  and they reply, “Nice to meet you, [some other wrong pronunciation of my name].”

– the fact that someone in my company had to have a chart similar to this:

– the fact that the above mentioned dumbass took the chart down after being ridiculed by others in her office. i had to create the above pictured diagram in lieu of an actual photo.

– this whole  “being nervous around people” thing i’ve got going on lately. there can be people i’ve known for YEARS and i still get nervous when i see them. what the hell is that?

– stemming from the nervousness, always thinking people won’t remember me.  i don’t see someone for a while, then see them somewhere random, think they don’t remember me, so i don’t speak. then who looks like the asshole? this cracker right here.

– people who don’t reply to text messages. seriously, just common courtesy of saying “i don’t feel like eating dinner out tonight/with you/ever again” will suffice. most of us aren’t comprised entirely of baby girls; we can take it. 

– clicky shoes that women wear in the office. you may remember me mentioning this previously, but this time it’s almost worse because the lady who sits behind me wears them every. single. day. she also doesn’t celebrate birthdays which is weird to me, and i’m still unclear on the “bless you” thing if she sneezes.

Stand up and shout! This entry is mean.

Here’s a list of things I’d LOVE to stand up and shout while at work:

“It’s ‘asterisk’, not ‘asterik’ or ‘asterix’. Geez.”

“Just because you can’t hear yourself whisper-singing doesn’t mean the rest can’t. Shut it!”

“If you’d stop complaining about how overwhelmed you are/how much work you have to do, you’d get it done a lot faster.”

“Is it really necessary to yell every time you sneeze? I bet not.”

“SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!”

“Oh, I’m sorry.  I didn’t realize the sign on the building said ‘bring all your kids and their friends to run through our office while we’re trying to work.  Every day.’ They’re cute, I get it.  But today they are loud and in large numbers.”

“You just used the word ‘like’ four times in a seven word sentence.  I counted.”

“You smell like a thrift store.  That’s not a compliment.”

“PICK UP YOUR FEET WHEN YOU WALK. ARE YOU REALLY THAT LAZY?!”

Things adults should never say = things I have heard adults say

“Let’s see if there’s a Bucky’s around.  I could go for a latte.”A grown man  Any person alive should not refer to Starbucks as “Bucky’s.” Ever.

“Dere’s go.” – A former coworker would say this CONSTANTLY instead of “There we go”.  Someone has spent a little too much time around her grandkids.

“my ‘rents” – Are you seriously too lazy to fully say the word “parents”? Plus, ” ‘rents ” just sounds stupid.

“cool beans” – I’m sorry, I just have a personal hatred for anyone who uses this term.  Where are these beans and why are they so cool?

“chillax” – Are you on your way to the frat house to “bro down” with your homeboys before the kegger tonight?

“liberry”, “valentime’s day”, or “birfday” – if you are over the age of five, you should probably have your dental fricatives down pat.  I’m looking at YOU, ex-bosslady.

Anything that is said in a baby-voice or a squeal – there is a FORTY YEAR OLD woman in my office who speaks this way on a daily basis. It makes me want to rip my eardrums to shreds with my scissors.

Bluh.

Huh?

Okay, seriously.

I’m afraid to look [and can’t, because I’m at work] but WHAT, pray tell, is the new internet phenomenon of 2 Girls 1 Cracker?

I’m asking because about four hundred people [slight exaggeration] have googled that term and landed here.

I’m also curious about “could an entity smell like stinking feet,” “cool to read on the crapper,” and, especially, “2007 halloween costumes ‘ampersand'”.

That last one gets an especially because, as you may know, the ampersand is my favorite typographical character, and halloween is my favorite holiday.

bingo! greatest halloween costume idea EVER.

Various and sundry items.

Today I:

  • held a baby. he slept the whole time. and draped his arm over mine like “hey, this is comfy”
  • found out that the people at work are doing something for my birthday. WHICH IS TOMORROW. I WILL BE 29. I DO NOT FEEL TWENTY-NINE YEARS OLD. According to most people, I don’t look it, either. I sure as hell don’t act like it.
  • the way I found out people at work are doing something for my birthday was to stand at my coworker’s cube, casually glance at her open email portal, and not-on-purpose look for my name. There it was, plain as day “What do y’all think we should do for Thefreshcracker‘s 29th Birthday?” I then brought up my bad eyesight so no one would suspect what I saw.

SNEAKY!

Also: there is one thing I do, but never discuss with anyone:

Watch ALL movies [even those in English] with subtitles on. And I like it.

And finally: if you want to know what I look like when I’m making an evil face with a Boxer on my chest, here you go:

Makin’ Money

So, I’m a member of a few “get paid to read” sites. So far, the ones I’ve really been paying attention to have worked.

My friend lamecasper reviews some of the sites she uses on her blog, so I thought I’d do the same in a short list version.

 apairof.com

apairof.com – easy, quick, and low payout. so far, so good! lynn has had success with it, so i expect to as well.

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sendearnings.com – good site, easy to do. just click on emails to get credit. i’ve gotten over sixty bucks from them so far.

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see?