Category Archives: myspace

Attention internet jerks and spam-folk.

By googling “myspace cracker” and landing on my blog you will in no way, shape, or form get tips on how to crack other peoples’ myspace passwords, etc.

Don’t you have better ways to use your time than trying to hack into the myspace of some ho from your middle school so you can post mean messages to all your enemies?


However, if you google “zelda pet sematary”, “sister pet sematary”, or “scariest woman”, well, welcome to the goldmine.


A potpourri of the last few weeks…

Good. Gah.

The last few weeks have been crrrrazy, I tell ya.

First, I was going through the whole “what job do I take?!?!” conundrum.

That, I decided, would work itself out. And it did.

I told CRO 2 [the one with whom I interviewed AFTER accepting the job from CRO 1] that I needed to know something VERY soon, as I was putting another company’s offer on hold.

“Oh, yeah we want to make a decision very quickly.”

Cue the crickets; I waited almost two weeks, with the only contact being initiated by ME, only to be answered with out of office auto-replies and then an email saying “we’ll let you know when we hear something.”

The day before I was to go to another city for first-day orientation, I went into my old office with my pal J to retrieve my personal not-so-mini fridge.

Since I hadn’t heard from CRO 2 [they’ve been major wankers in the past, so I was pretty sick of them at this point] I went to their website and viewed my job profile.

“Interviewing” was still beside the job for which I’d interviewed. After almost TWO WEEKS.


So I did what any self-respecting “I’m about to take a job with your competitor”-thinking person would do: I went to my profile and removed my name from consideration.

The next day, I got this email:

Hello Thefreshcracker,

Thank you for your interest in employment opportunities at Asshole CRO and the GMS team. We enjoyed speaking with you and appreciate the time you took to talk with us about your background and experience.

We reviewed a number of candidates for the Analyst I position and have found others whose qualifications more closely match our position profile. Unfortunately, we are not able to offer you employment at this time.

Best of luck to you in the future.

Thank you,

A: the recruiter’s name is Tiffany.
B: I got this email after, yes AFTER, I’d removed my name from consideration.

So I decided to stick with rad-and-awesome CRO. And I’m glad I did. My only real concerns were the commute [nine whole miles! lame.] and that their health benefits are more expensive. BEE EFF DEE.

The work environment: awesome
My boss: awesome
My coworkers: awesome.

I don’t even miss my old job with the crappy med students who could barely wipe their own asses.  My friend who still works there [in IT, so a MUCH better atmosphere] told me via email that my former boss looks “lost. and i mean LOST.” anytime someone comes in with a question.

i laughed diabolically and then felt a little guilty.

In other news, I got drunk at nightwork’s Halloween party and told my crush I thought he was cute.

Cue the awkwardness.

Also, my friend had a bike wreck and got injured.  Badly. Broken jaw and needing root canals injured.

No dental insurance.

So we’re trying to collect money at work to help with her bills.

JSYK: if you feel like being generous and helping her out, you can send Paypal payments to

Aaaand over the Thanksgiving holiday my brother’s friend got stabbed, lost 40% of his blood volume, and almost died.

I also thought I had an intestinal blockage, but it turns out I just needed a laxative.


BTSG Strikes Again!

Oh, my.

Last night at work, about four of us ended up catching on to the fact that BTSG was basically doing no work to speak of.

Instead, she was surfing the internet the entire time.  As in, myspacing, facebooking, blogging, etc.

I walked by once, and she had about three tabs up. One of them was livejournal.

“Jackpot!” I thought.

I had no idea it would get SO much better.

After a few rounds of “Let’s see what internet site BTSG is on NOW”, one girl let us in on a little secret.

Ok, back up.  I need to say that BTSG had made a sudden disappearance and I was under the impression she had gone home since I hadn’t seen her for about half an hour.

Oh, boy was I wrong.

She finally showed back up after I was returning from picking up food and getting a soda.

My dinner didn’t go down as well as planned, since, as I walked back to my desk, BTSG was leaning her very large frame over someone’s desk, giving me a very large view of her very large rear end.


But, I digress.

As we were all sitting there just cracking up at the audacity of our “coworker”, one girl, I’ll call her V, let the secret out: “Guys,” she said, “BTSG was just in the bathroom with a book.”

Poor V had gone on an innocent pee break and had to encounter BTSG emerging from a stall, book in hand.

V noted to us that “it didn’t smell like BTSG was having STOMACH PROBLEMS, if you know what I mean.”

So BTSG spent half an hour reading a book on the toilet.

Ten minutes after that, she clocked out for her break.


Finally, BTSG left for the night, and we were semi-free to bitch about her aloud [one little guy remained, and we’re still not sure if he’s too weird to realize what a headcase BTSG is].

After I revealed to CW/S, S, and V what I had seen on my latest pass by BTSG’s computer, CW/S and S decided to do a little digging.

They figured out BTSG’s login [not hard to do when someone never changes their password!] and checked her browsing history.

We found her livejournal name… and so much more.

About a hundred entries for “Stardust pictures”, several visits to the rubbermaid brand site (?), several websites for song lyrics (complete with misspelled titles), and, the best but most disturbing thing ever: several google searches and webpages for this subject: mental masturbation.

And how to conquer it.

I immediately began miming a girl jilling off, but on my forehead going “Y’all? Do you think this is what it looks like?”

Cue everyone participating in a mass-vomit.

Anyway, back to BTSG’s livejournal: the title of it has MY last name in it.


Ok, ok, so, although my last name isn’t the most common in the world, it IS a fairly common word.

But still: creeeeeepy.

We scoured the first few pages of BTSG’s blog, searching for my name, our company’s name, and the word “work”.

We found out that BTSG does a whole lot of blogging at work, a whole lot of bitching, and apparently HAS dated a girl.

And that’s it.

No scathing entries about how “those girls at work” have been “mean” to her, or how she longs for our friendship.

A little disappointing to find out that BTSG writes about a bunch of crap, but worth it to know that she has “a fictional doppelganger”.

who happens to be named after one of my friends [and former coworker].

The cast of characters

You may have noticed that I encounter quite a variety of characters in my daily life.  I’ve decided to make a list of them, along with short descriptions and links to longer entries about them.  I may even sneak in a couple of new ones.

1. Pentagenarian: the 50-something lady with whom I work.  Known for wearing short skirts and clicky shoes and walking REALLY fast around the office.  Hasn’t been  mentioned around The Fresh Cracker lately because she seems to be starting to comprehend the fine line between inquisitive and nosy.

2. Lady Criesalot: The early 20-something coworker who calls her parents “Mama and Daddy” even in conversation with others.  Cries almost daily over ex-boyfriends, current boyfriends, and her daddy being mean.  Likes to bust into my office yelling “Hola!” at the exact moment I’m furiously typing to get shit done.  Doesn’t get the hint when I continue typing and do not look at her.  Also, gets mad when I don’t have time to go to her office and show her basic HTML skills that a monkey could learn.  Google is your friend.

3. Gary Coleman: The very heavy and loud female coworker who looks like Gary Coleman but is somehow very cute at the same time.  Can get rowdy.  Sweats a lot and frowns on stairwells in favor of the elevator.  May keel over at any moment.  Is overall a sweetheart whose vocal cords are just a bit too developed.

4. Bible T-shirt Girl: The bane of my existence.  Okay, she’s not THAT important, but this [quite large] girl bugs.  Lately taken to repeatedly kicking her desk [which, incidentally, used to me MY desk until she bamboozled me one night. Desk is right beside me through a heaven-sent divider] and, making “I’m in tremendous pain” faces, making lists of “cool names” like EUGENIA (believe me, I saw it), and clucking like a chicken while at work.  This is when she ISN’T throwing snot rags at the lady adjacent to her. The lady adjacent to her is our next cast member.

5. Bad Singer Who Likes Tigger: Unfortunately, I have no previous entries about BSWLT.  Not that she isn’t becoming a MAJOR player in the cast of characters.  BSWLT can almost be combined with BTSG into one huge, stinking, noisy, annoying entity. That I would like to kill. She participates in snotrag volleyball with BTSG, sings/hums as loudly as possible, and, just last night, eyes me while mumbling incoherently as I walk into work.  Did I mention that she has Tigger cutouts and pictures frames all over her desk?  Like I told my coworkers the other night: Tigger is for five-year-olds and retarded people.  No offense to retarded people.

The most banal messages come via Myspace -or- Free Spam!

It’s true.

Just look at the message I just got:

From: Block User joseph

Date: Jul 9, 2007 2:47 PM Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ]
Subject: No Subject
Body: whats good

Yes, that is his message in its entirety.

What’s good? Hm. Let me give you a brief, non-comprehensive list:

Pizza, turtles, David Sedaris, low-carb bagels with plain cream cheese, horror movies, having lots of good ink pens, crossword puzzles, antibacterial hand gel, payday, a full tank of gas in my car, money, dr. pepper, my local dive bar….

Shall I continue?

I have no idea why people send me such lame stuff. 

Of course, I guess a two-word semi-sentence from some local kid is a LOT better than the fake “I’m looking for a soulmate” spams I get.

You know, the ones where someone creates a fake profile of some dude in South Africa or Germany, then hits control +  c, then scours Myspace for females [or just uses a bot, i dunno] then control + v’s to his heart’s content.

Like this:

From: Block User wale

Date: Jul 5, 2007 4:39 PM Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ]
Subject: How is ur day going thefreshcracker*?
Body: Good day to u right overthere.How is work and ur health doing?I pressume thats the most important for me.My name is Olawale Junaid,I graduated 5 years ago in telecoms engineering.Im a man with heart full of love and passions,im young in heart and soul. im looking for everlasting love not a divorce relationship,this is what im avoiding and i just dont want to be part of this shameless people,because when i give my heart to someone i give it fully,and when i love someone, i love to the fullest,i can do anything to satisfy and make mypartner happy forever.
im a one woman man,and i need the same from my partner,im new to the online dating things and i dont know much about it. I know my kind of woman,this is why im here in search of that are someone atractive and decent,and can see u are truly serious about your desires, and im proud of that,well i like to get to know more about you, your family, and the kind of happy home you planning to build, i like to boast and proud of my woman so let me get to know more about you.
Well a best friend of mine introduced me to this site because he met his wife on here and they both went on a date, when they discovered they were made special for each other, Now they are happily married with a kid,and this is what im expecting on here. Im praying for the same to happen to me and i know it will surely happen soon.i lost my parent and the only person left for me is my granny and she really loves me and i am happy that i found someone like her in my life.
Marcia,I promised not to let u down in any situation.I can see u are kind of my choice.I will never tell u a single lie and promised to be straight forward to u,seeing u make me so comfortable of my future.Pls I wouldnt want to loose u babe,pls let me know u better.
I am a kind of person that is religion active and i am looking for a wo man that have the fear of God and been religious, Well, i am not here for a long time net love and i dont believe that someone like me would be here seeking for love if it wasnt for the late of my fiancee who died by autocrash. I am looking for some one that is ready to settle down a family and have kids… i will be glad to exchange pix with u as my pix here is really small.looking forward to hearing from you. You can write to my personal email address,I once promised again to let u know that we are equally born but different we human being were not the same.I will prove to be ur desire man.,i look forward to ur response. Yours respectfully,

* not my myspace name.

Or this:

From: Block User andrea

Date: May 26, 2007 7:59 PM Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ]
Subject: hi
Body: Hello Angel,
How are u doing today?and i do hope all is cool and nice with you? Well,i must start with a brief introduction of myself,by name am known and been called Andrea and i hailed from state, my mom is from South Africa, while my dad is from the state.
I was just suffing through the net and luckily enough for me i came across those lovely and cute profile of yours with those lovely pics of yours on it and i really got inspired by all what i saw at your profile and thats why i decided to stop by and say hello to u and to see if things are goona work out fine between us.Am an Engineer working with a communication company as one of there switch engineer.Single,serching for a woman of mine….a woman to grow old with till end of my life.
Am a very jovial,loving,caring and also an outspoken guy thats here for real and serious releationship though i might be far away from u now,but i do believe that distance is not a barrier to real and true love and thats why i do have the faith that i will get to meet u someday in person.
Angel,if u know u areally intersted in getting to know me more better like i do,feel free to add me to your yahoo mesenger list cos am online right now so we get to chat or email me with this id.
Bye and i do hope to hear from u so soon.

Hm. Why do dudes always call girls “angel” via their tiresome spam?  Well, I guess it’s better than being called “angle” like a former spammer did.

Maybe the problem here is this: I am 28 years old and I have a myspace page.