Category Archives: wimps

Well, shit. I’m back.

Since I deactivated my facebook account and only use my tumblr for short text posts and lots of picture reblogging, I think I should rejoin the world of wordpress. Yes?

The REASONS I no longer have facebook are as follows:

– dudes I barely knew in HIGH SCHOOL decide to add me, I accept, then receive messages at 1:20 am like “Are you awake?” and then, mere hours later, “Good morning.”  Add in the fact that he’s friends with someone I actually had to block, and you get a problem.

– people putting things like “OMG life is so hard and terrible and I hate it.  Don’t ask, it’s personal.” Oh yeah? Then why the fuck did you put it on the internet to begin with?!?!

– people posting political-HOLY SHIT I JUST REALIZED I STILL HAVE A “MYSPACE” CATEGORY ON HERE. WTF?

*AHEM*

– people posting political rants, anti-president rants, etc. These are usually the same people who either “did not have time” to vote, or spend zero time looking into issues and trying to do something about them.

– my mother making a comment about almost everything I post. Especially if it involves cursing. Shit hell damn fuck, I’m almost 34 years old, okay?

– in the same vein, people thinking “she’s a horrible Christian” if i post something along those lines. I’m pretty sure Jesus isn’t condemning me to hell for saying “dickhead.”

I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea.

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things that bother me, list 3

– when I introduce myself to someone, very clearly pronouncing my name  and they reply, “Nice to meet you, [some other wrong pronunciation of my name].”

– the fact that someone in my company had to have a chart similar to this:

– the fact that the above mentioned dumbass took the chart down after being ridiculed by others in her office. i had to create the above pictured diagram in lieu of an actual photo.

– this whole  “being nervous around people” thing i’ve got going on lately. there can be people i’ve known for YEARS and i still get nervous when i see them. what the hell is that?

– stemming from the nervousness, always thinking people won’t remember me.  i don’t see someone for a while, then see them somewhere random, think they don’t remember me, so i don’t speak. then who looks like the asshole? this cracker right here.

– people who don’t reply to text messages. seriously, just common courtesy of saying “i don’t feel like eating dinner out tonight/with you/ever again” will suffice. most of us aren’t comprised entirely of baby girls; we can take it. 

– clicky shoes that women wear in the office. you may remember me mentioning this previously, but this time it’s almost worse because the lady who sits behind me wears them every. single. day. she also doesn’t celebrate birthdays which is weird to me, and i’m still unclear on the “bless you” thing if she sneezes.

Dead girl walking.

I am running on <4 hours of sleep.

I have puffy-eye and my coworkers have been saying “you look exhausted” or “you look like you’re in a bad mood.”

yes for the first, no for the second.

although i WAS in a semi-bad mood when i got a ranting comment on my “smiling sex offenders” entry

then i did some research and found out that the commenter well, you know.

if you don’t like this blog, don’t read it.

or, don’t fuck 14 year olds.

your choice.

Here’s a short one -or- ignorance grows rampant on the internet

To the “Proud Yankee” who commented:

“Face it southerners are just a bunch of inbred backward crackers.”

You forgot a colon. Yay for punctuation!

Also: not all Southerners are crackers. I happen to know and love quite a few black people who are Southern born and bred.

I also like how you didn’t put your real email address in the comment box. And, did you REALLY google “inbred southern crackers” TWICE?

p.s. This is your IP address: 65.191.212.235. Are you REALLY in Fayetteville? Or is it Dunn?

Zelda, Zelda, Zelda!!

Tonight, while at nightwork, I googled Zelda.

For the umpteenth time since my self-induced immersion therapy.

And I almost took a step backward because I found a NEW picture of her.

Well, to be more accurate, a photo of the actor in his makeup, presumably showing it off.

All you fellow Zelda-fearers, get ready.

Because…

HERE IT IS

petsematarypictures29.jpg

Holy shit!!

Somehow, I am almost MORE scared of this than any other picture of her.

Another year, another list of whatever

Top search engine subject that directs people to this blog:

ZELDA (and derivatives: Zelda Goldman, Zelda Pet Sematary, Zelda Pet Cemetery, etc. You get the idea.)  Apparently, I am far from being the only person who has had the living piss scared out of them by her. Thanks to self-induced immersion therapy, I can now write about her and have google tell people to come read the stupid shit I write. Thank you, Stephen King.

zelda1.jpg

Top instrumental song that I could listen to on repeat for hours:

“The Music Box” by Unwed Sailor.

Running a close second:

“I Can’t Remember” by Mogwai

Total hours spent in unofficial “tech support” mode for family, friends and coworkers in the past two weeks:

Roughly twelve. Mom was right: I really should’ve gone to school for computer stuff (JSYK, that was the technical term).

Number of people I regret doing the “auto-smile” thing at when rounding a corner at work:

One. Just one. And you know her as BTSG. I REALLY wish I could put auto-smile in check once in a while. Or at least that I could’ve ripped a fart (I’ve been gassy lately) in her direction to make up for accidentally being nice to her.

Top hilarious website of the past 24 hours:

The Bible, as translated into LOLCat. I can has light?

Number of times someone told me they loved me on New Year’s Eve:

About fourteen. I also got about six cheek-kisses, one check-zoober, and seven arm-holds.

Top underrated and under-listened-to band of the last five years:

The Electric Soft Parade. This may be due to the following facts: they are from the UK, they haven’t ever toured in the States (I think), and a lot of us Americans have shitty taste in music.

Most-consumed (by me) potato chips of 2007 (and I am not a big potato chips fan):

0102081913a.jpg

These things are fucking GOOD. And my left thumb is fucking stubby. JSYK, that is the tip of my mp3 player on the desk, not a pink vibrator.

Celebrity crush that I am most embarrassed about, even though my friend Cool Amanda agrees with me:

John Cena, pro wrestler.

Celebrity crush that I’m not horribly embarrassed about:

Zachary Quinto
zach1.jpg

Worst surnames we’ve come across at nightwork:

Baskatawang and Soberanis.

I would tell you the worst FULL names, but I think that might not being staying on TASC [thorough, accurate, secure, cautious].

Worst perfume/fragrance I have EVER smelled:

Demeter’s Bonfire bonfire-left.jpg

Normally, I LOVE the smell of burning wood, real fireplaces, etc, but my friend Katie and I were messing around in a store and we sprayed some of this on my wrist.  Two hours later, I still had a headache and felt nauseous from the smell.

It does NOT smell like a real bonfire, y’all.

Probability that I will come up with a similar list in the near future:

HIGHLY LIKELY

oh p.s.

since i’m a financial disaster and haven’t yet put up the money to get internet back at home, i check my email on my cell phone on weekends.

i got a comment screening email, so i checked it.

the content of the comment said “very interesting, but i don’t agree with you. -idetroce”

at first, i thought that BTSG had somehow discovered my blog and was onto me [ohh noeeez!] since it was on an entry about her.

i went back and checked the whois for the IP source and it was Amsterdam.

turns out, this Idetroce is a huge spam thing that’s been going around lately.

i’m sure BTSG is as clueless as ever.

OH and i didn’t tell you all one extremely hilarious thing that happened involving BTSG, V and S.

First, go back and read this

Now, one afternoon, V and S were trying to avoid having their pictures taken for the company directory, so they went to the bathroom to hide out from the male photographer.

While they were looking at themselves in the mirror and chatting, V said, “Haha, we could stay in here a long time; all we need to do is bring a book in like BTSG does.”

S didn’t hear her, so she said it again, a little louder.

And the two of them immediately heard a voice from one of the stalls say, “Thanks a lot guys.”

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I have a new job, and now I like coming to work.

Forget that I don’t have an actual office anymore.  It’s cubicle city here, but I love it.

It’s really strange working for/with people who aren’t complete bitches/airheads/catty cuntrags.

God knows I have enough of those in my personal life.

I mean, I get here almost a full hour earlier than I did when I wrangled med students aka wiped their asses.

Sure, sometimes I get down and a little teary because I get an email involving a two-year-old in hospice care, but that comes with the territory.

I feel USEFUL and I don’t feel like anyone’s bitch [I was my ex-boss’s bitch times twelve].

Today, I got my first full paycheck from my new job and, while I’m not rich, I can definitely breathe a sigh of relief and my old job can suck it even more.

I’ m having lunch with the pentagenarian today, and I can’t wait to get more details on my ex-boss’s hibernation, since pentagenarian says she barely comes out of her office.

Oh, p.s.: Lady Criesalot got a new job, too. With my company’s competitor.  She has probably whispered and cried about four times at her new job now.

I didn’t tell you how I almost died again.

Ok, kinda almost died.

Ok, had a scare that I might have a life-threatening blood clot in my lung.

Maybe.

I’d been having weird breathing issues for about two weeks.  I don’t have asthma, but my dad and sister do.  My mom has had pneumonia like eight times and we both get bronchitis really easily, so I figured at WORST it’d be walking pneumonia.

Boy, was I in for it.

I got to my doctor’s office and he listened to my chest.  It sounded clear, but he decided to take my oxygen level.

It was 94%.

NINETY-FOUR  OUT OF ONE-HUNDRED.

If I were taking a calculus test, I’d be thrilled at a 94, but when your level is supposed to be around 98% and it’s OXYGEN we’re talking about, it’s not so great.

So, my doctor orders a chest x-ray. STAT, even.

It came out clear.  No pneumonia or anything.

He then says to me,  “I want to order a CAT scan for you.  There’s a chance you could have a blood clot in your lung.  If there IS one,  you’ll have to be admitted to the hospital for two days to go on blood thinners.”

Cue my bowels feeling liquidy and me internally yelling, “Ah shit, man! Shit! Shit! Shit!”

Doc W then went on to say that he was just being cautious and nervous and that I “had everything on the good side” meaning I’m under 35, I don’t smoke, etc.

So I got scheduled for a CAT scan at 2pm across town.  I figured I’d go home, get my cell phone, pack a just-in-case bag, and then go back to the office for a bit.

As soon as I walked in my apartment, my cell phone rang: “The Fresh Cracker, this is JP from name of my doctor’s office.  You need to go to name of  hospital across town right now  and they can work you in for your CAT scan.”

That is when this cracker got a little nervous. I mean, everything was “STAT” and “ASAP” so I was like “WTF” and “OMG”.

So I go to the hospital across town and register for my CAT scan.  And they put a hospital bracelet on me.

I go to the waiting room where I sit for about seven minutes before a super nice chick comes to get me.

She explains everything [including the fact that I must remove my necklace and underwire bra] and I hop on the table.

She then explains that I will be given an IV of iodine for tracking and it will make me have an odd taste in the back of my mouth and feel like I’m wetting myself.

Yeah, right. I figured it was one of those “Warning: contents under pressure.  Cap may blow off causing eye damage” type things. Possible, but unlikely to happen.

Boy, am I glad she warned me.

After she sent the iodine through my IV, I immediately got a nasty taste in my mouth. And felt like I was whizzing all over myself.

Seriously, had I not been warned, I would’ve been all “Um, nurse? I…. I had an accident.”

So, it was all over with, and nice radiologist lady and I were laughing about the pee-feeling. 

I went and sat back in the waiting room for a bit, then they called my name, handed me my films, and told me to go back and see my PCP. [No, not THAT kind of PCP]

I get to Dr. W’s office and check BACK in, handing them my films.

Then I wait.

And wait.

And wait some more.

A nurse type lady comes out, calls my name, then says, “Miss Cracker.  I’m sorry you’ve had to wait so long.  Dr. W is figuring out what he wants to do and we’ll call you back in a few minutes.”

Right then, I get sweaty palm [jsyk, my palms smell like potatoes when I sweat. dunno why] and start thinking “Shit! I can’t go into the hospital! They charge like five bucks for a BAND AID there and yeah, sure, insurance covers 80% but that means I have to pay 20% and since my office is at the hospital, I know what kind of shitbag hospital it really is and I know of people who’ve gotten CRAP care there.”

and other kinds of “Oh NOEEEEZ!” thoughts.

So I finally get called back and they put me in a room.

Dr. W comes in just a few minutes later and says…

“Your films are clear”

Good gah, I swear I almost lost control of my bowels at that point.

The good doctor goes on to tell me that I apparently had bronchitis with an asthmatic reaction.

Oh. So that’s why I’d been wheezing and struggling for breath.

So he put me on an inhaler and told me to call/come right in if the breathing problems continued.

He even had his office call me the next day to see if I was alright.

Whew!

Since then, I’ve had to use the old lung-sucker a few times. I would say that this sucks, but that would be too obvious.

A potpourri of the last few weeks…

Good. Gah.

The last few weeks have been crrrrazy, I tell ya.

First, I was going through the whole “what job do I take?!?!” conundrum.

That, I decided, would work itself out. And it did.

I told CRO 2 [the one with whom I interviewed AFTER accepting the job from CRO 1] that I needed to know something VERY soon, as I was putting another company’s offer on hold.

“Oh, yeah we want to make a decision very quickly.”

Cue the crickets; I waited almost two weeks, with the only contact being initiated by ME, only to be answered with out of office auto-replies and then an email saying “we’ll let you know when we hear something.”

The day before I was to go to another city for first-day orientation, I went into my old office with my pal J to retrieve my personal not-so-mini fridge.

Since I hadn’t heard from CRO 2 [they’ve been major wankers in the past, so I was pretty sick of them at this point] I went to their website and viewed my job profile.

“Interviewing” was still beside the job for which I’d interviewed. After almost TWO WEEKS.

Fuckers.

So I did what any self-respecting “I’m about to take a job with your competitor”-thinking person would do: I went to my profile and removed my name from consideration.

The next day, I got this email:

Hello Thefreshcracker,

Thank you for your interest in employment opportunities at Asshole CRO and the GMS team. We enjoyed speaking with you and appreciate the time you took to talk with us about your background and experience.

We reviewed a number of candidates for the Analyst I position and have found others whose qualifications more closely match our position profile. Unfortunately, we are not able to offer you employment at this time.

Best of luck to you in the future.

Thank you,
Tiffany

A: the recruiter’s name is Tiffany.
B: I got this email after, yes AFTER, I’d removed my name from consideration.

So I decided to stick with rad-and-awesome CRO. And I’m glad I did. My only real concerns were the commute [nine whole miles! lame.] and that their health benefits are more expensive. BEE EFF DEE.

The work environment: awesome
My boss: awesome
My coworkers: awesome.

I don’t even miss my old job with the crappy med students who could barely wipe their own asses.  My friend who still works there [in IT, so a MUCH better atmosphere] told me via email that my former boss looks “lost. and i mean LOST.” anytime someone comes in with a question.

i laughed diabolically and then felt a little guilty.

In other news, I got drunk at nightwork’s Halloween party and told my crush I thought he was cute.

Cue the awkwardness.

Also, my friend had a bike wreck and got injured.  Badly. Broken jaw and needing root canals injured.

No dental insurance.

So we’re trying to collect money at work to help with her bills.

JSYK: if you feel like being generous and helping her out, you can send Paypal payments to mailto:babetoothless@gmail.com

Aaaand over the Thanksgiving holiday my brother’s friend got stabbed, lost 40% of his blood volume, and almost died.

I also thought I had an intestinal blockage, but it turns out I just needed a laxative.

TMI?