Category Archives: zelda

Somebody’s watchin’ meeee! -or- Did I really just say that?

While I realize the internet is a public forum, it still skeeves me out a bit to know that someone in my town googled “the fresh cracker wordpress” and landed here.

I have to wonder: did someone from my office somehow find out the blog title and domain and come here to see if they could catch me saying anything bad about work? Too bad, I never mention the company or what we do. Or name names.  I’ve been spied on by coworkers before, had things I’ve said severely twisted to the point of them being given a whole new meaning. Suck it.

Could it be a friend of mine who just forgot to mention that they came here to get an eyeful of ridiculousness? Maybe.

I have one other suspect, but let’s not talk about that.

IN OTHER NEWS: today I was eating lunch with my friend Amanda and talking about baby names [our coworker’s wife is pregnant] and totally slipped and said, “I like the name Zelda for a girl….” Then proceeded to freak out because what I MEANT to say was “Stella”.



Zelda, revisited (warning: if she still scares you shitless, don’t watch the video clip)

Anyone who has happened upon this blog has probably realized I have a “thing” about Zelda Goldman (the sister from ‘Pet Sematary’).

[See also: The scariest woman in the world and how I ALMOST got over her. (This is a long one, folks), OMG She’s everywhere!, and Zelda Zelda Zelda!]

Almost every day, I see from my stats that someone has landed here after googling “zelda”, “pet sematary” or something similar.

Many people have commented that they, too, have had horrible Zelda fears and some have also participated in self-immersion therapy to get over it.

Some have realized, KIND OF like I have, that the whole Zelda thing is kind of silly.  But don’t get me wrong: I STILL get slight heebie-jeebies when seeing her, but now I don’t run for cover and cry.

If you haven’t also done self-immersion, now’s your chance to dive right in:

Hope you enjoyed it!

Zelda, Zelda, Zelda!!

Tonight, while at nightwork, I googled Zelda.

For the umpteenth time since my self-induced immersion therapy.

And I almost took a step backward because I found a NEW picture of her.

Well, to be more accurate, a photo of the actor in his makeup, presumably showing it off.

All you fellow Zelda-fearers, get ready.




Holy shit!!

Somehow, I am almost MORE scared of this than any other picture of her.

Another year, another list of whatever

Top search engine subject that directs people to this blog:

ZELDA (and derivatives: Zelda Goldman, Zelda Pet Sematary, Zelda Pet Cemetery, etc. You get the idea.)  Apparently, I am far from being the only person who has had the living piss scared out of them by her. Thanks to self-induced immersion therapy, I can now write about her and have google tell people to come read the stupid shit I write. Thank you, Stephen King.


Top instrumental song that I could listen to on repeat for hours:

“The Music Box” by Unwed Sailor.

Running a close second:

“I Can’t Remember” by Mogwai

Total hours spent in unofficial “tech support” mode for family, friends and coworkers in the past two weeks:

Roughly twelve. Mom was right: I really should’ve gone to school for computer stuff (JSYK, that was the technical term).

Number of people I regret doing the “auto-smile” thing at when rounding a corner at work:

One. Just one. And you know her as BTSG. I REALLY wish I could put auto-smile in check once in a while. Or at least that I could’ve ripped a fart (I’ve been gassy lately) in her direction to make up for accidentally being nice to her.

Top hilarious website of the past 24 hours:

The Bible, as translated into LOLCat. I can has light?

Number of times someone told me they loved me on New Year’s Eve:

About fourteen. I also got about six cheek-kisses, one check-zoober, and seven arm-holds.

Top underrated and under-listened-to band of the last five years:

The Electric Soft Parade. This may be due to the following facts: they are from the UK, they haven’t ever toured in the States (I think), and a lot of us Americans have shitty taste in music.

Most-consumed (by me) potato chips of 2007 (and I am not a big potato chips fan):


These things are fucking GOOD. And my left thumb is fucking stubby. JSYK, that is the tip of my mp3 player on the desk, not a pink vibrator.

Celebrity crush that I am most embarrassed about, even though my friend Cool Amanda agrees with me:

John Cena, pro wrestler.

Celebrity crush that I’m not horribly embarrassed about:

Zachary Quinto

Worst surnames we’ve come across at nightwork:

Baskatawang and Soberanis.

I would tell you the worst FULL names, but I think that might not being staying on TASC [thorough, accurate, secure, cautious].

Worst perfume/fragrance I have EVER smelled:

Demeter’s Bonfire bonfire-left.jpg

Normally, I LOVE the smell of burning wood, real fireplaces, etc, but my friend Katie and I were messing around in a store and we sprayed some of this on my wrist.  Two hours later, I still had a headache and felt nauseous from the smell.

It does NOT smell like a real bonfire, y’all.

Probability that I will come up with a similar list in the near future:


I didn’t tell you how I almost died again.

Ok, kinda almost died.

Ok, had a scare that I might have a life-threatening blood clot in my lung.


I’d been having weird breathing issues for about two weeks.  I don’t have asthma, but my dad and sister do.  My mom has had pneumonia like eight times and we both get bronchitis really easily, so I figured at WORST it’d be walking pneumonia.

Boy, was I in for it.

I got to my doctor’s office and he listened to my chest.  It sounded clear, but he decided to take my oxygen level.

It was 94%.


If I were taking a calculus test, I’d be thrilled at a 94, but when your level is supposed to be around 98% and it’s OXYGEN we’re talking about, it’s not so great.

So, my doctor orders a chest x-ray. STAT, even.

It came out clear.  No pneumonia or anything.

He then says to me,  “I want to order a CAT scan for you.  There’s a chance you could have a blood clot in your lung.  If there IS one,  you’ll have to be admitted to the hospital for two days to go on blood thinners.”

Cue my bowels feeling liquidy and me internally yelling, “Ah shit, man! Shit! Shit! Shit!”

Doc W then went on to say that he was just being cautious and nervous and that I “had everything on the good side” meaning I’m under 35, I don’t smoke, etc.

So I got scheduled for a CAT scan at 2pm across town.  I figured I’d go home, get my cell phone, pack a just-in-case bag, and then go back to the office for a bit.

As soon as I walked in my apartment, my cell phone rang: “The Fresh Cracker, this is JP from name of my doctor’s office.  You need to go to name of  hospital across town right now  and they can work you in for your CAT scan.”

That is when this cracker got a little nervous. I mean, everything was “STAT” and “ASAP” so I was like “WTF” and “OMG”.

So I go to the hospital across town and register for my CAT scan.  And they put a hospital bracelet on me.

I go to the waiting room where I sit for about seven minutes before a super nice chick comes to get me.

She explains everything [including the fact that I must remove my necklace and underwire bra] and I hop on the table.

She then explains that I will be given an IV of iodine for tracking and it will make me have an odd taste in the back of my mouth and feel like I’m wetting myself.

Yeah, right. I figured it was one of those “Warning: contents under pressure.  Cap may blow off causing eye damage” type things. Possible, but unlikely to happen.

Boy, am I glad she warned me.

After she sent the iodine through my IV, I immediately got a nasty taste in my mouth. And felt like I was whizzing all over myself.

Seriously, had I not been warned, I would’ve been all “Um, nurse? I…. I had an accident.”

So, it was all over with, and nice radiologist lady and I were laughing about the pee-feeling. 

I went and sat back in the waiting room for a bit, then they called my name, handed me my films, and told me to go back and see my PCP. [No, not THAT kind of PCP]

I get to Dr. W’s office and check BACK in, handing them my films.

Then I wait.

And wait.

And wait some more.

A nurse type lady comes out, calls my name, then says, “Miss Cracker.  I’m sorry you’ve had to wait so long.  Dr. W is figuring out what he wants to do and we’ll call you back in a few minutes.”

Right then, I get sweaty palm [jsyk, my palms smell like potatoes when I sweat. dunno why] and start thinking “Shit! I can’t go into the hospital! They charge like five bucks for a BAND AID there and yeah, sure, insurance covers 80% but that means I have to pay 20% and since my office is at the hospital, I know what kind of shitbag hospital it really is and I know of people who’ve gotten CRAP care there.”

and other kinds of “Oh NOEEEEZ!” thoughts.

So I finally get called back and they put me in a room.

Dr. W comes in just a few minutes later and says…

“Your films are clear”

Good gah, I swear I almost lost control of my bowels at that point.

The good doctor goes on to tell me that I apparently had bronchitis with an asthmatic reaction.

Oh. So that’s why I’d been wheezing and struggling for breath.

So he put me on an inhaler and told me to call/come right in if the breathing problems continued.

He even had his office call me the next day to see if I was alright.


Since then, I’ve had to use the old lung-sucker a few times. I would say that this sucks, but that would be too obvious.

A potpourri of the last few weeks…

Good. Gah.

The last few weeks have been crrrrazy, I tell ya.

First, I was going through the whole “what job do I take?!?!” conundrum.

That, I decided, would work itself out. And it did.

I told CRO 2 [the one with whom I interviewed AFTER accepting the job from CRO 1] that I needed to know something VERY soon, as I was putting another company’s offer on hold.

“Oh, yeah we want to make a decision very quickly.”

Cue the crickets; I waited almost two weeks, with the only contact being initiated by ME, only to be answered with out of office auto-replies and then an email saying “we’ll let you know when we hear something.”

The day before I was to go to another city for first-day orientation, I went into my old office with my pal J to retrieve my personal not-so-mini fridge.

Since I hadn’t heard from CRO 2 [they’ve been major wankers in the past, so I was pretty sick of them at this point] I went to their website and viewed my job profile.

“Interviewing” was still beside the job for which I’d interviewed. After almost TWO WEEKS.


So I did what any self-respecting “I’m about to take a job with your competitor”-thinking person would do: I went to my profile and removed my name from consideration.

The next day, I got this email:

Hello Thefreshcracker,

Thank you for your interest in employment opportunities at Asshole CRO and the GMS team. We enjoyed speaking with you and appreciate the time you took to talk with us about your background and experience.

We reviewed a number of candidates for the Analyst I position and have found others whose qualifications more closely match our position profile. Unfortunately, we are not able to offer you employment at this time.

Best of luck to you in the future.

Thank you,

A: the recruiter’s name is Tiffany.
B: I got this email after, yes AFTER, I’d removed my name from consideration.

So I decided to stick with rad-and-awesome CRO. And I’m glad I did. My only real concerns were the commute [nine whole miles! lame.] and that their health benefits are more expensive. BEE EFF DEE.

The work environment: awesome
My boss: awesome
My coworkers: awesome.

I don’t even miss my old job with the crappy med students who could barely wipe their own asses.  My friend who still works there [in IT, so a MUCH better atmosphere] told me via email that my former boss looks “lost. and i mean LOST.” anytime someone comes in with a question.

i laughed diabolically and then felt a little guilty.

In other news, I got drunk at nightwork’s Halloween party and told my crush I thought he was cute.

Cue the awkwardness.

Also, my friend had a bike wreck and got injured.  Badly. Broken jaw and needing root canals injured.

No dental insurance.

So we’re trying to collect money at work to help with her bills.

JSYK: if you feel like being generous and helping her out, you can send Paypal payments to

Aaaand over the Thanksgiving holiday my brother’s friend got stabbed, lost 40% of his blood volume, and almost died.

I also thought I had an intestinal blockage, but it turns out I just needed a laxative.


OMG She’s everywhere!

So the Pentagenarian [with whom I have been getting along fabulously lately. Hope that didn’t jinx it] and I took our boss out for a belated bosses’ day lunch on Friday.

It took us forever to decide where to go, but we finally settled on a good place with awesome food where we never think to go.

We entered the restaurant, and were seated immediately.

All seemed well.

Until our waitress came.





Uh, what?

Is there seriously someone else out there who used to be as afraid of Zelda as I?

Do I talk about weed/getting high a lot on my blog (btw, I have never even TOUCHED weed in my life. Ever. So the “getting high” talk wouldn’t be from my own personal perspective)

Because look:


Seriously, now.

In honor of my friend’s birthday, I present a masterpiece.

Today is my friend Katie’s birthday and, in keeping with the Zelda spirit, I made her a little something:


(click for full-size)

The scariest woman in the world and how I ALMOST got over her. (This is a long one, folks)

The scariest woman in the world is not even an actual woman. SHe’s a man, dressed as a woman. With prosthetic makeup. Made to look like someone who has spinal meningitis and is severely malnourished.

Oh, yes, I’m talking about ZELDA GOLDMAN, the sister from the movie Pet Sematary.

First, a little background:

When I was a little kid, like nine or ten, I watched Pet Sematary for the first time.  It always galled me that the kids who made the sign in the movie and book misspelled cemetery.  I was a stickler for spelling, even at that age.

Anywho, I watched the movie with my brother and sister, who are both older.  I wasn’t at all bothered by Pascow, the character who got hit by a car and had his brains splattered everywhere.


But I didn’t care.

I wasn’t even bothered by Gage, the small child, getting hit by a truck and watching his foot roll away in his tiny sneaker.

Small potatoes.

At some point in the movie, the wife and husband characters are lying in bed, talking.  Seems like a fairly benign scene, yes?


As the wife begins talking about her childhood, we see a flashback of her speaking about her sister. ZELDA.  Zelda was kept in the back bedroom of her parents’ house, out of sight.

What got me was watching Zelda zelda1.jpg (that’s her) writhe around on her bed while her sister (wife character as a child) shoved gruel in her mouth only to have Zelda start choking and die.

Ok, so that part didn’t REALLY get me that bad.  It was disturbing, but only somewhat.

After that part passed I thought, “Ok. I’m okay. That wasn’t that bad.”

I had no idea what I was in for.

Later on in the movie, after Gage is hit by the semi and the mom/wife and daughter (who, incidentally was on that great PBS show “Ghostwriter” -unless it was her twin sister- and always annoyed the piss out of me) go to Chicago to be with momwife’s parents, the momwife comes back to Maine [where the bulk of the movie takes place. I forget exactly why she came back] and there the terror begins.

Momwife is walking up the stairs of their house [or was it the old neighbor-guy’s house? p.s. the neighbor was played by the same guy who played Herman Munster. true story] and starts to hear someone calling her name: “Raaaachhheeellllll!”

She walks into a bedroom and her sister ZELDA is crouched down in the corner. She comes rushing up to momwife [aka right up to the camera] and begins yelling about how momwife will “NEVER GET OUT OF BED AGAIN!!!” after she threatens to “twist your back like mine”

I almost shit my nine or ten year old pants when this happened.

Seriously, my bowels felt hot and liquidy.  I’m surprised I didn’t pass out.

So, I tried to forget about Zelda for the next few weeks.  Nothing doing.

I slept with my light on pretty much every night and was terrified I was going to hear her voice calling MY name.

Then, the shit hit the fan and I became scarred for life:  one afternoon, I was sitting on my parents’ bed in the BACK BEDROOM of our house, talking on the phone.

My sister decided it would be hilarious to come around the corner and go, “Raaaachhheelllll!”

I screamed, jumped, dropped the phone, and immediately began hysterically crying.

After that, I could not even stand to hear the name Rachel, or I would immediately start holding my ears and  “blah blah”-ing.

For years, my siblings taunted me with Zelda-like motions and the occasional “Raaachelll”.

After a while, I kind of got over it. But not quite.

Then, oh then, after a pretty extended period of being okay, I was watching TV one afternoon, and even more shit hit the fan.

A commercial for Stephen King’s books came on, and I was half-watching until HER face appeared on the screen.  That’s right, Zelda, large as life, appeared and scared the shit out of me once again.

I started shaking, frantically pushing buttons on the remote to change the channel.

But the damage was done.  I began sleeping with my light on again.

Throughout the past few years, my siblings have both done the occasional hand gesture or “rraaaccchelll” to me (well, mainly my brother, I think my hysterics scared my sister into leaving me alone for a while) but nothing too over the top.

For the past three years or so, I’ve been trying to come up with a strategy to “get over” Zelda.

I decided to go with immersion therapy and scare the shit out of myself over and over in the hopes that I’d be cured.

And it kind of worked.

First, I started out simply: google image searching “Zelda pet sematary” and holding my breath when the results screen popped up.  The only photos available pretty much were the ones of Zelda lying helpless in her bed.

Creepy, but not the full-on terror effect I was kind of hoping for.

After several attempts at different keywords, I decided to go one HUGE step further: Youtube.

I found TWO clips of Zelda in action.  Well, ONE in action, the other just choking in bed.

At first, I watched these at work with the volume muted.  The visual alone was enough to make me start sweating and get clammy palms, I figured.

I watched the first one, of her getting fed gruel and subsequently croaking, through my fingers, hoping no one would pass by my office and look in to find me looking horrified at my computer screen.

Eventually, I worked my way up to watching the clips with moderate volume [although I DID have my friend Katie on the phone with me, watching it at the same time in HER office across town].

Somehow, I let it slip on myspace that I’d had this irrational fear of a character from a book and movie.

Ok, so I wrote a whole blog entry about it.

Anyway, one of our IS guys here at work decided it’d be HILARIOUS to print out a still from a Pet Sematary clip, put it in an official work envelope, mark it “confidential” and place it in my inbox.

I opened the envelope, gasped, then laughed.

And tacked that bitch to my office wall, right beside my sweet flat-screen monitor.


I’ve even gone so far as to have mashup wars with Katie, posting pictures with Zelda superimposed on them as comments on each other’s myspaces.

I make myself watch the clips every so often, just to make sure I don’t relapse and freak out at hearing “NEVER GET OUT OF BED AGAAAAAAIN!”at random.

So, it looks like I got over Zelda.

Except for the two or three nights every few months that I lay in bed, trying to force myself not to think of her or her voice.

p.s. The guy who played Zelda did so because the casting people couldn’t find a woman skinny enough.  I have a feeling that won’t be a problem when they do the [unnecessary] remake next year.